Mental Health Struggles as a Teacher: How Relationships and Openness Helped

This is only a small snippet of overcoming my struggles with mental health as an educator. I don’t share this lightly and am only doing so on the off chance one person reads this and knows they are not alone. I don’t have all the answers. I am not sure I have any answers. Maybe, just maybe, it can speak to someone and offer a glimmer of hope.

Mental health is a topic very important to me. My mom dealt with anxiety and depression a large majority of her life. She struggled mostly in silence. It took a major toll on her mentally and physically until she passed away on Christmas in 2011.

One thing I have come to recognize that helps is the importance of relationships with others and being open about mental health in education. This year more than ever has brought about lots of discussions and the importance of these conversations. I am beginning my tenth year of teaching and I have never opened up about any of this publicly. I have never heard anyone else open up about any of this. I have felt I was the only one and it was taboo to speak about any of it as a teacher. I suffered in silence. I have learned over the years others have also. It is okay not to be okay as a teacher. And it is okay to talk about it.

I have dealt with severe anxiety, panic attacks, and a bout of depression during my teaching journey. I am not here to necessarily say teaching is the root cause of these but simply to reflect and let others going through it know they are not alone.

I began my teaching career in 2012 and have genuinely loved the profession. The peaks and valleys come and go but the connections made along the way are what it is all about. I now know I dealt with generalized anxiety and elements of teaching seemed to compound it. I felt constant pressure (mainly from myself) that I had to be perfect and anything less was unacceptable. Sometimes an email from a parent or boss could spiral the anxiety out of control. I felt I could never meet the expectations. There was a pit of fear and doubt every morning on my drive to school. My anxiety grew each year.

My anxiety led to panic attacks in 2016. Thankfully they didn’t occur at school because I felt I could have never told others the challenges I was facing. My first one happened on a Sunday and resulted in a hospital visit because I thought I was having a heart attack. That wasn’t the case and I soon learned more about panic attacks. They are completely debilitating and you feel helpless. They would continue to come on unexpectedly during that winter.

I continued to teach and was fully functional on the surface but was constantly struggling on the inside. My challenges evolved into a bout with depression during the winter of 2016/2017. On the surface I had every reason to be happily thriving. I had just gotten engaged and was coming into my own as an educator. If you asked any of my friends, colleagues, or family they would tell you they had no idea. I was a master of disguise. The early winter months of 2017 were the darkest moments I’ve ever experienced. Happiness and joy escaped me. Every day was a struggle to teach and find meaning in it. My mental health began to have impacts on my physical health. Weight gain and physical illness began to become common. I felt as if there was truly no way out of the hole I was in. I felt as if I was failing my students and school because I wasn’t giving them my best. I felt as if I was the worst teacher on the planet and didn’t deserve to be in the profession. The guilt grew into a mountain.

There had to be a breaking point because the challenges were not sustainable. After years of struggle and a major wake up call, I began to open up to my fiancé and sister. Both of which had no clue but were paramount in helping me through it all. The immense relief of having an open conversation was powerful. I began to claw out of what had been my mental rock bottom.

My fiancé landed an amazing job and we moved out of our home state. We happily got married that fall. I continued my awesome journey as a teacher with newfound clarity. Things didn't change overnight but I slowly began to feel better. I discovered lots of strategies that worked (and still work) for me. Over the past few years I have been more open with others. I have learned of others dealing with similar if not worse struggles. I have also learned more about others that struggled in silence but sadly didn’t make it. Focusing on the importance of relationships, being your authentic self, and opening up to others have proved immense ways to help me improve and grow. Nutrition and exercise have also played major roles for me among other strategies. I am happy to discuss what has helped me in more detail if anyone is interested. But I am also not offering this as medical advice. If you or someone you know is dealing with challenges regarding mental health it is important to seek help from a medical professional.

I knew more struggles were ahead for educators when the pandemic hit. An already difficult profession became even more taxing both mentally and physically. I was confident in being okay with how far I had come and have managed well. But I know many others are struggling in silence. I am not usually one to publicly discuss any of this. But I often think about how helpful reading something like this would have been for me during my dark days. I thought sharing can’t do any harm and maybe it could help just one person realize they are not alone. I hope we can find ways to change the conversation and improve the focus on the mental wellbeing of educators.